Brian Strom

A menu of how to bribe an infallible attorney and the legality of a semi-pro amateur baseball league bribe

2014 South Oakland Ducks, pittsburgh NABA

It was recently brought to my esteemed attention that a certain TEAM!!! in the NABA attempted to bribe a previous Ducks regime into throwing games for a measly $50-$100. Because that TEAM!!! is still in the league, I wanted to set forth guidelines for how to bribe Ducks super-utility and leading home run hitter Anthony Ciccone (#2). The following actions will be undertaken at the stated cost below:

$10 – #2 will steal a base if currently on first or second. No determining whether he will be safe or out, but you can hand over a $10 and call a pitch out.

$20 – #2 will take the first two pitches of an at-bat, no questions asked.

$50 – #2 will get drunk for the game. Probably whisky. Alcohol choice subject to change, paying party responsible for all related expenses.

$100 – #2 will initiate a proceeding in the Commonwealth Court of Pennsylvania to have the TEAM!!!’s manager’s criminal record expunged. After filing, the billable rate will jump to $200 an hour.

$150 – #2 will bat right handed for the remainder of the game.

$200 – #2 will fight down a member of the TEAM!!!’s DUI charge to a simple traffic violation/public nudity.

$500 – #2 will get thrown out of the game by arguing with the umps on an out call on a clear force play.

$1000 – #2 will incorporate the TEAM!!! as an LLC or LLP in Pennsylvania and/or Delaware to shield them from personal liability.

Please note that for a contract to be valid, there must be an offer, acceptance and consideration. While this may constitute an offer, and payment may constitute acceptance, the legal consideration of a contract for semi-pro amateur NABA players to throw games is under current debate with Ducks upper management.

Also, Wandy Rodriguez might be signed by the Ducks this week.

Release the Quacken.

Signed,

ILikeKevinYoungEsq.

Game Day 13: Ducks at Monsters

2014 South Oakland Ducks, Gameday, pittsburgh NABA

South Oakland Ducks of the North Side (9-3)

at

Monongahela Monsters (5-7)

4:30pm

Brentwood Park

South Oakland looks to avenge an early season, 5-1 loss to Monongahela today in Brentwood. The Monsters are the only team the Ducks have not defeated. The Ducks need a win to stay tied for first with the WOLFPACK!!! (9-3) and Lions (10-4).

After a 3-0 start, the Monsters have gone 2-7. Monongahela seemed solid when we played them, not many easy outs in their lineup. They must have lost a pitcher or something. Or maybe they ran into these guys:

Game Day [10]: Ducks (6-3) vs Bulldogs (3-3)

Today’s game will be the Ducks first in Brentwood. Half our roster is on vacation, so we’ll test our depth. Brian Strom will take the hill for the South Oakland.

storm_x_men_goddess_by_xanthemann-d5iognt

Bad News for the Monstres

 

I woke up still in my baseball uniform two states away, and it was January.

2014 South Oakland Ducks, Ducks win, Recap, South Oakland Ducks Baseball

Ducks 11 Warriors 1.

Ducks pitcher Brian Strom allowed one hit over five innings for the complete game victory, hitting two batters, walking one, and striking out two.

Twelve different Ducks reached safely or drove in a run.

Alex Riley went 3 for 3 with two doubles.

Mike Brandt went 2 for 3. He hit a double off the top of the wall in left, and  was nearly thrown out a second.

giphy

Ben Hartranft had two hits, but drove in zero runs, and pulled both hamstrings.

Lonnie the windmill Petril drove in a run when he hit into a 6-4-5-2 double play.

Garrett Moore was hit by a pitch with the bases loaded, and was the second out in the above 6-4-5-2 double play.

South Oakland of the North Side (7-2) has won four straight.

First place will be on the line when the Ducks play the WOLFPACK! (6-2) next Wed. 8pm Springview Field.

quack

Game Seven Recap. Strom Thurmond’s corpse: Ducks 14, Senators 5

2014 South Oakland Ducks, NABA, pittsburgh NABA, Recap

senators steven segal

The Senators jumped out to an early lead after Joseph McCarthy led off the game with a double, stole third, exploited America’s fear of communism, and scored on a fielder’s choice.

In the bottom of the first, after a single and two walks loaded the bases, Brandon Culp struck a blow for America and took Jesse Helms deep.

helms

The Ducks scored another run in the inning on Bob Faust’s fielder’s choice.

5-1 Ducks after 1.

The Senators kept the game close for an inning, when they added two runs in the second off an error on a potential double play ball hit by Rick Santorum.

communion pants

Santorum supports the above slogan.

The score remained 5-3 until the bottom of the third when South Oakland blew it open.

iceburgh

Iceberg doubled off the wall to start the inning, Dover singled the Ducks’ catcher to third then Faust walked, and Sorosky singled in a run to put the Ducks up 6-3. Gwin walked to load the bases with 2 outs for Ciccone who hit the Ducks’ second grand slam of the game and chased starting pitcher Ted Kennedy.

carinwater

10-3 Ducks after 3.

Riley made a diving catch in right in the fourth, then got lost on his way to center field in the fifth. Dorsek played an inning without his hat for some reason then pinch ran. Fetter threw a six-pitch inning in relief.

Alexander Daigle made an appearance. The Senators scored two more to make it 10-5 after 5.

daigle94sl-1

In the bottom of the sixth, the Ducks added three insurance runs on a double, two singles, an error, and a sac fly.

Ciccone retired the side in the seventh to end the game.

There was pizza and beer.

duck pnc

Misc:

  • Lost in all the grand slamming was a solid outing by TC, and a pretty clean game by our starting defense.
  • Our smaller home field may have helped with one of the home runs, but it also kept a few really hard hit balls in the gap to singles. It’s also not very easy to see at the plate.
  • The strike zone has been really wide all year.
  • Swetz only hits with runners on base. Our three through seven hitters had the following stats:
  • Ciccone: 2 for 3, BB, HR, 2B, 4 RBI
  • Culp: 2 for 4, HR, 2SB, 5 RBI
  • Swetz: 0 for 4, RE, R, 0 LOB
  • Galvanek: 3 for 4, 2B, SB, RBI
  • Dover: 3 for 3, 2B, SF, RBI
  • If our two hitter would get on base more, we’d be in even better shape.

quack

Ducks Win 8-2

2014 South Oakland Ducks

Ducks 8

Senators 2

When I googled “communion pants,” this was the best image that showed up

communion pants

Weird.

@Duckpond2014

#communionpants

Jason Fetter pitched a complete game for the win, allowing 0 earned runs 5 hits, striking out 8.

South Oakland scored a run in the first inning on a single, sac bunt, WP/throwing error. The Ducks stranded the bases loaded in the second. The score remained 1-0 until  the 4th inning when RBI collector Matt Swetz drove in 2 with an almost-triple in which he hit a ball to the left center gap, stumbled around first advanced to second and then moved to third on a throwing error.

In the fifth, South Oakland scored five runs and put it out of reach. Brian Strom drove in 2 with a double to left. later in the inning, DJ Dover tripled in two more runs, and scored on Sorosky’s RBI ground out.

The Senators scored 2 unearned runs. one in the bottom of the fifth, and one in the seventh. If we can cut down on errors we will be tough to beat.

giant ducks

Some other things:

I entered our stats, but the league site isn’t calculating ABs correctly. We’re hitting well, but we don’t have 3 guys hitting 1.000.

If we ever have all 19 players show up at once, I’m going to have a heart attack. It’s hard enough getting 14 guys in to a game and spread out the playing time in a way that allows us to still win games. I forgot how much of a pain in the ass that is.

How have managers not entered scores for games that happened weeks ago? It takes literally 30 seconds.

South Oakland next plays on Wednesday, 8pm at Springview Field.

Here’s an awesome Easter pic for everyone.

Peep Guillotine

quackquackquack

 

Game Day 3: Ducks at Senators

2014 South Oakland Ducks, Gameday

South Oakland Ducks of the North Side (2-0)

at

Senators (0-2)

12pm

Pie Traynor Field

South Oakland has won two straight and looks to remain undefeated in the season’s early going.

The Senators didn’t do very well last year. Better than the House, but still bad. Allowing 186 runs in 24 games, stalling bills with filibusters, and taking kickbacks from lobbyists.

senator

I prefer Radek Bonk

bonk

Bad News for the Senators.

Ducks Win

2012 South Oakland Ducks Baseball

South Oakland 6, Brookline 3

We’re all part of the tribe.

Ducks pitcher James Fago went seven innings, allowing 3 hits, and 2ER, while striking out several and walking few.

The Ducks scored 2 in the top of the first on  TJ Morgan’s bases loaded infield single. On the play Black Sox third baseman Kenny Powers made a spectacular barehanded catch on a well-placed roller down the line but could not throw out the hustling Morgan. Gwin scored from second on the play also hustling.

Brookline answered in the top of the third when with two outs their two hitter fouled off a pitch that hit his hand, then after he struck out swinging, Ducks catcher, Ben Gwin, misplayed the pitch in the dirt and hit the kid in the hand again with his throw to first. He would later score on a ball up the middle, on the play, however, Ducks second baseman Ken Cool hit the kid in the back.

Later in the inning, Kenny Powers scored after he stole second but was nearly thrown out.  Ball beat him there, but he slid around the tag.

Fago handled himself with composure and calmness in the dugout after the Ducks allowed 2 unearned runs in the inning. It was as if it didn’t phase him.

The game remained tied.

We caught the second baseman in a rundown between third and home in the top of the fourth when we executed the first and third play we’ve been working on all season. He was out.

To end the top of the fifth, Kenny Powers was thrown out at home at one point trying to tag on a shallow fly to center.

in the bottom of the inning  Brian Strom recorded his first hit as a Duck, after we saved the ball for enshrinement on his mantle, Strom  stole second and advanced to third on a groundout by Gwin. Strom scored on a Fago single.

The Sox starter was pissed. He was pulled for another lefty.

In the bottom of the sixth, the Ducks scored three runs on a walk, 2 bunt singles another infield hit and a linedrive to right by Ken Cool’s friend Brian.

The Sox scored a run in the top of the seventh, on a double by Florian and a single by their really intense catcher.

Fago struck out Goldie swinging to end the game.

***

South Oakland is 2 – 0 in division play heading into their Saturday double header against Ken Cool’s brother’s team.

We are in first place.

quack, quack.