It was recently brought to my esteemed attention that a certain TEAM!!! in the NABA attempted to bribe a previous Ducks regime into throwing games for a measly $50-$100. Because that TEAM!!! is still in the league, I wanted to set forth guidelines for how to bribe Ducks super-utility and leading home run hitter Anthony Ciccone (#2). The following actions will be undertaken at the stated cost below:

$10 – #2 will steal a base if currently on first or second. No determining whether he will be safe or out, but you can hand over a $10 and call a pitch out.

$20 – #2 will take the first two pitches of an at-bat, no questions asked.

$50 – #2 will get drunk for the game. Probably whisky. Alcohol choice subject to change, paying party responsible for all related expenses.

$100 – #2 will initiate a proceeding in the Commonwealth Court of Pennsylvania to have the TEAM!!!’s manager’s criminal record expunged. After filing, the billable rate will jump to $200 an hour.

$150 – #2 will bat right handed for the remainder of the game.

$200 – #2 will fight down a member of the TEAM!!!’s DUI charge to a simple traffic violation/public nudity.

$500 – #2 will get thrown out of the game by arguing with the umps on an out call on a clear force play.

$1000 – #2 will incorporate the TEAM!!! as an LLC or LLP in Pennsylvania and/or Delaware to shield them from personal liability.

Please note that for a contract to be valid, there must be an offer, acceptance and consideration. While this may constitute an offer, and payment may constitute acceptance, the legal consideration of a contract for semi-pro amateur NABA players to throw games is under current debate with Ducks upper management.

Also, Wandy Rodriguez might be signed by the Ducks this week.

Release the Quacken.

Signed,

ILikeKevinYoungEsq.