There have been a record number of rain-outs this season, it’s got to be stressful for Joe, to have to reschedule all these games and deal with the domino effect of inconveniences resulting from such poor weather. His team is in the middle of a playoff run, and I’m sure he would much rather focus on simply playing the game, and not dealing with guys like this…..
Calvin’s life is great at this point, his American History course is going wonderfully, and he can see improvement in the players he coaches. He is hopeful he will be able to coach third next season. His Amateur baseball team, the Gravediggers wins the regular season title, and despite losing in the first round of the playoffs, he had a good season and is happy he has the chance to keep playing baseball. After hitting for the cycle in a post-seaosn all-star game, he pops the question to Annie, and she says “yes”, life is good.
When he returns from the honeymoon in Niagra Falls, Calvin learns that the President of the Cincinnati Amateur Baseball League has been siphoning league funds to subsidize his paint thinner addiction, and has been thrown in jail after knocking off a string of convenience stores in Northern Kentuky. Calvin, in a moment he will ponder for the rest of his life, volunteers to take over as League President
He thinks to himself, “I have summers off, I am well organized, and I love baseball. I will be a great league president.”
Fast Forward, one year later, mid season, Calvin Davis is president of the ten team CABL. Here is a typical Saturday in June day for the new president.
- 6:00am Wake up, ten mile jog, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-up, one shot of whiskey.
- 7:00am Poo, shower, shave, shot of whiskey.
- 8:00am Breakfast with the sports page: two raw eggs, a box of Wheaties, half a side of Bacon, one shot of whiskey
- 9:00am Check league email: in-box shows 897 unread messages. After a shot of whiskey, Calvin browses the emails, 297 are hate mail from teams 1, 2, 5, and 7, complaining about the 65 year old umpire who demands to work games alone, but can’t remember the inning, count or number of outs. 300 messages are from teams 3, 4, 8, and 9 regarding their late league dues, which Calvin needed a week ago in order to secure field times for rain dates and rescheduling. 200 emails regarding why Calvin’s “Gravediggers” have the easiest schedule this season, and 90 e-request from teams 1-9 to have games rescheduled. 10 emails demanding Calvin return the bases and rakes to the designated league equipment shed.
- 9:15am Sends polite, but firm email to umpire association inquiring why his previous 25 requests to have the mildly retarded umpire not work any more league games have gone unfulfilled. Responds with “no” to all requests, and sends a polite, but firm league wide email requesting all league dues be paid before the 1/4 mark of the season or teams will be disbanded, and that whomever took the rakes and the bases from the league equipment shed will have to return them, or be fined $50.
- 11:00am Recieves call from Gravedigger’s head coach Quinn Zimmerman, who frantically rants about team six’s blog post in which he is depicted as the “Paul Bearer”, who will “eventually betray the Gravediggers in a manner similar to the WWF’s 1996 Summer Slam when Paul Bearer joins forces with Mankind and smashes the urn over the Undertaker’s head, and he loses his powers from beyond the grave, forcing the return of the less creepy, biker Undertaker at the next WrestleMania, who was no where near as cool. “I mean, I don’t have powers from beyond the grave, and I would never betray you guys, he was stretching to go from “Gravediggers” to “Undertakers” anyway, this guy is ridiculous.” Calvin assures Quinn, the post was a joke, and that they will just take it out on Team six when they play later in the day. Calvin turns off his phone.
- 12:30pm Annie comes home after working 16 straight hours at Cincinnati General Hospital to find Calvin in his jock strap and stirrups sitting at his lap top pouring over CABL spread sheets with a half empty bottle of whiskey. She complains that ever since Calvin took the job, he has slipped dangerously past “social drinker” level and her private area is “getting lonely” She rips into him claiming, “what good is that huge man-wand of yours if you won’t ever take off your jock strap.” Calvin replies in a loving, but firm tone, “Annie, you know I love you, but I have a twelve game hitting streak going, and I haven’t taken off my jock strap or made sweet love to you during the streak, haven’t you seen Bull Durham?, don’t mess with the streak.” Annie goes to sleep, Calvin returns to the spread sheet.
- 2:00pm, turns phone back on-73 voice mails, shot of whiskey: browses messages: 20 from Team One, complaining that Team Three got both Ken Griffeys to play on their team and that it wasn’t fair, two from Team three letting him know that they contacted the national office and there is no rule against former pro’s in the CABL, and that they have two new roster additions. 31 messages from Team Four complaining that Team Seven broke the innings pitched per week rule and should forfeit their last game. 10 messages from Team Seven claiming they had the rule book and the week started on Monday, not Sunday and Team Four is bitter and they stink at baseball, so shut up already. 7 messages from members of team eight, saying their backup catcher stole the rakes and bases, and sold them for money to pay off gambling debts, and has been missing since last Friday, and are there any free agent catchers available. 2 messages from the umpire association, citing non-discriminatory hiring policies, and assuring they will minimize the presence of the “slow” umpire. 1message from Coach Zimmerman complaining about a blog post by Team Six which shows a youtube clip of the Monster truck “Gravedigger” bursting into flames, and its driver suffering 3rd degree burns, the caption of which reads: Coach Zimmerman, is a flamer and will destroy the Gravediggers.
2:15-Emails team eight, says he will overlook fine, citing extenuating circumstances. checks Team Six’s blog, laughs so hard he spits out his whiskey.
4:00 pm Team Five calls and says the umpire who showed up for their game against team Nine was not the half-wit, but was entirely drunk, and has passed out on top of home plate. Shot of whiskey. Calvin goes to umpire the game.
4:20 pm, Calvin arrives at the the field, strips the drunk umpire down to his boxers and uses his gear, however the umpire weighs just over 340 lbs, and the best the teams can do is roll him back to the back stop. Calvin umpires the game wearing over-sized equipment with the passed out half naked umpire rolled into a ball ten feet behind home plate.
5:00pm Manager of Team Nine, argues a call and upon his ejection takes second base with him. Calvin offers the hubcap of his Chevy as second base, and continues to umpire the game.
6:45pm the game ends in extra innings, team nine wins on a wild pitch that gets stuck beneath the beached umpire. Calvin changes at the field, and hurries to his 7:30 game against Team Six.
7:0pm Calvin fields three consecutive calls as he approaches the field. The first from Team Five demanding a forfeit due to playing the game with a hubcap for a base, and that the ball was stuck under the umpire and the catcher would have thrown the winning run out at the plate had he been able to get the ball; the second call is from the umpires association threatening to break their contract after reports of stripping and rolling an umpire were reported, the third is from Coach Zimmerman, ranting about a bad “necrophilia joke” on Team Six’s blog.
7:15pm arrives the field just in time to hastily warm up for his game. Shot of whiskey.
10:00pm Calvin’s hitting streak ends, and his game against Team Six ends in a tie when the lights go out 45 minutes earlier than the county official said they would.
11:00pm Calvin arrives at home, realizes he never replaced his hubcap. Shot of whiskey. He sits down to enter his teams score into the league website. Checks email, 1,728 unread messages. Shot of whiskey. Among the emails are complaints from Quinn about Team Six’s write up of the game, in which their team blogger rants about the lights and posts a of the Undertaker dying at the Royal Rumble “That guy is a freaking singles hitter, where does he get the balls to write this stuff? and we’re the “Gravediggers” not the “Undertakers””
11:15pm Calvin finally takes off his jock after his hitting streak ends, and is ready to copulate with his wife. However, when he goes into the bed room, he finds a lengthy letter from Annie, she says she is leaving him. She cites his drinking and unhealthy dedication to a baseball league full of teams that don’t even appreciate his hard work and dedication, when he had a beautiful woman at home. adding insult to injury, “I always liked Quinn Zimmerman better than you, and he doesn’t have a problem taking off his jock strap. Shenwrites that she has changed her cell phone number, leaves no forwarding address, and takes his Tony Gwynn autographed baseball.
11:30pm emails coach Zimmerman, says he’s decided to play for Team Six.
12:00am, shot of whiskey. six hours of sleep before Calvin does it all over again.